Ya Made Dawgs! WONBEER?!
20 recent discussions of the degenerate rubbish that infiltrates the world as inscribed on Katie's Scroll of Virtues.

Date:2015-05-13 13:55
Subject:LJ!!!
Security:Public

OMG

1 RED SHELL | BATTLE MODE!



Date:2012-08-06 08:38
Subject:
Security:Public

Damn, I can tell my job sucks the life force right outta me [giggity]; I'm not motivated to write in my journal because all it would do is lead me to bitch about work.

BATTLE MODE!



Date:2012-04-04 12:30
Subject:Call Avoidance
Security:Public

Yeah, right, like I'd really spend my morning off with you...why are you even calling? I'm going to call you back later tonight when I know you're busy at work and then be all "ohhhh snap, so sorry I couldn't get a hold of you earlier, daaaamn what a shame." Yeah, I guess that is a waspish thing to do, but seeing as how he's a sneaky fuck in the first place, I don't feel bad about it. I like him, and he's fun, but ever since he turned all super turbo religious, I just dunno what to do with him. Funny though, his religious attitude has him hating on gays and all that shit, but he thinks it's okay to be a lying, cheating sneak. I mean, I can be a cheating sneak too, but at least I won't be lying about it. And really, it's not cheating if you aren't officially together.

See, the latest cover of LA magazine..."I'm black...I'm white...I'm LA..." or whatever the hell...WHO CARES? This is why race will always be an issue, because [and I hate to use this blanket statement:] the media portrays it as such. It's like when someone complains about being fat, or having a bad hair day, or not liking something about themselves; I would probably never even notice or care, but since you keep harping on it, then it sticks in my mind!

The World's Biggest Jumping Spider, AKA Shelob's Nimble Cousin (google image search: Phidippus) and I had a showdown here at the ranch. I went into my room yesterday morning, and found Rosco pawing at my blanket. [I had vacated the bed not more than 15 minutes earlier, incidentally.] I thought I was about to have an encounter with the phantom rodent, so I wasn't skerred as I went over to assist Roz. When I moved the blanket back, this nasty, evil, horrifying spider bolted out and all of a sudden shit got real. Rosco came over to me to give hello snugs, and I was all "wait, no! ROZ DO SOMETHING! LOOK! Save me!" I turned him around and pointed to the monstrosity, and said "RIIIIGHT HERE, LOOOOOOK!!!!!!!" Nope, he no longer cared. Thanks for nothing! Then, just when life couldn't get worse, the Shelob JUMPED. Fucking jumped, I say! I thought only those nasties in the Amazon jungles could jump! Great, a new horror to torment my waking life. So it jumps from my bed to the sheets I had on my floor. I moved like a lightning viper and bundled the sheets up, stuffed them in a box, and threw the box outside. Current whereabouts are unknown. I was too chickenshit to shake out the sheets outside and stomple its guts. I shoulda, but I envisioned it jumping out at me, suddenly larger in size from its anger, and nesting in my hair.

BATTLE MODE!



Date:2012-04-02 10:46
Subject:"Sandia? Or Sangria?"
Security:Public

There was a Suspicious Incident at my place of residence, sometime between the hours of midnight and six am. Half a mouse was found this morning. Not like, oh, a chewed-up mouse that might have bits equal to that of half a mouse, but literally...just the back half. There are two named suspects, in this modern-day Jack the Ripper mystery. We will never know.

Sissy and I dropped off Wolfgang at the clinic today for his dental work. I'm considerably less nervous than I was when I took Rosco in last week, because now my mind is at ease an I know they do so many of these procedures a day and Rosco was just fine. Adorably loopy, even. I took advantage of his kitty inebriation and basked in his affection. He acted like picking him up from the clinic was the greatest moment of his life, and lucky for me, he conveniently neglected the fact that I was the one who had doomed him in the first place.

After the clinic we went up to pick up my car from the boys' house. I distributed a couple links to the pups and we took off. I miss those dogs; I'm hoping to get up there on Wednesday or Thursday.

Actually, no, maybe I'll go to Disneyland on Wednesday. What the hell is the point of having a premium pass if I don't use it? I went ONCE since February. Unacceptable! Yeah, fuck it, I'll go on Wednesday. Maybe Dave can meet me there after he gets off work, I dunno. Regardless, I'm not shy about going anywhere alone. Then I can indulge myself and go on every dumb-dumb ride that nobody else ever wants to go on (still haven't been on those storybook boats, thanks very much!)

Supposedly the girl my boss wants to hire is coming in for an interview today. I had expressed trepidation about his hiring her predominantly for my shift. To put it mildly, I just want to see if she's a match. To say it plainly, I don't always trust his judgement. So I'd rather cockblock it now as opposed to having to bitch about it later. I miss doing all of the hiring. Sure, I've hired some idiots before, taken a few chances, but the majority of my hires worked out nicely at the deli, and some of them are still there, all these years later. But yeah, he aint sticking me with another Mari, that's fo sho.

BATTLE MODE!



Date:2012-04-01 13:28
Subject:We're Back!
Security:Public

Jesus fucking lazy, I never even finished updating about my goddamn birthday which was almost 2 months ago! What the hell have I been doing?!

See, this always happens when I hate my job. I let it Get me, and I become sluggish and unwilling to update my journal, because I know that it would turn out to be 98% bitching about work, and 2% talking about how I don't get laid, and really, why do I want to read that? I bore myself. ["Yes Frank, we all discussed you and agreed that you're disgusting"]

I won't talk about work today. No matter how much I want to vent about the soul-destroying evil that has internally manifested itself in my fantastically abhorrent bad attitude, usually reserved for my boss, but once in a while spent on a coworker or two.

I fail to grasp why people protest events, when protesting has no purpose. Or, perhaps I'm just too dumb to extrapolate the date therein and provide a logical timeline in which to assume possible positive outcomes. Specifically: that teenager who got killed. I mean, what's the point of a parade? We can post internet comments now, there is no need to get up and go outside, right people? I dunno, then news leaks out that he wasn't some squeaky-clean kid like everyone thought, then it turns into a "smear" campaign...and I don't get any of that manipulation. It's a fucking bullshit scenario, I mean, shooting a kid? Come the fuck on. Unfortunately, it's now turned into another Great Race Conflict. I'm sick of race.

Hmmm, what else is going on in the world? Ah! Titanic anniversary. You know I love the Titanic; I like to privately refer to it as the Greatest Moded Moment and Nautical Extravaganza. I think the last bit might be a bit tactless. I love profit-from-tragedy, so I'm reading about all these artifacts from the ship that are selling to stylish collectors (over 100k for a menu! Them's some good eats!). I know people sometimes get all bitchy over that, calling it graverobbing and the like. So, what, rather have them decay and be lost forever at the bottom of the sea? It's not like the interior of the pyramids, where the items have sustained themselves relatively intact for centuries. The ocean breaks down everything, albeit slowly. Fucking bring the whole damn tugboat up! People get weird about this sort of thing, but the same people never have problems with selling serial killer's stuff (profiting from gruesome acts of violence, oh my gawd, BONER), or criminal wanted posters, or whatever the fuck else. No, for some reason, it's only the Titanic that makes them turn stupid, and they argue for having just a fucking plaque in the sea, and dramatically silent neglect of the ship. Yes, it's such a somber occasion, let's all never touch the ship, because it's much more poignant that way. See how serious we are about our sunken boat? Fuck, even Auschwitz is a museum, and you want to leave Titanic on the ocean floor?! Dummies.

I'm a sucker for yahoo, but I swear, they have the worst writers on the planet working for them. Chris Chase is a huge joke in the sports world, but I haven't got time to make fun of him right now. I have a picture right here of how doctors are saving a baby who was born without intestines (harsh!), and I'm just so irritated at the photo captions, I have to click away. First, it's irrelevant to note that the parents are "underage." What does that mean, and why is that important to note? A parent of any age suffers when their kid is all fucked up. Next: WHY do you have to point out that the baby "clenches his fist?!" GAWD, if I were the type of person who utilizes the "roll" feature of her eyes in order to emphasize the stupidity of another person or scenario, then they'd be stuck in the 'up' position right about now. It's this kind of shit that pisses me off; people getting all emotional thanks to unnecessary emotional cues. The baby is a few months old and isn't clenching his fist in defiance, or showing a will to survive. I mean, I just imagine how douchebaggy people would get all into that.

A shop in Hawthorne sold a lotto ticket that had 5/6 winning lotto numbers. Can you imagine? I think I would've just shot myself then and there. 5 out of 6, my ass! Talk about getting fucked with. By number 3, you're telling yourself to calm down. By number four you begin to hope. By the fifth, you're spending your money. Then...HA! Psych! I never really understand why people only play the lotto if the "pot is large enough." What, you can't use 1 million, but 500 million is worth gambling the dollar for? I don't get it. Also, everyone is shocked when they find out that I never, ever play the lottery (unless I'm going in on a coworker pool, because fuck that, those bastards aren't gonna leave me out of their jackpot and my ticket to retirement). I know I love to gamble, but maybe that's why I avoid the dollar investment? It just stirs up those crazy gambling frenzies I'm known to get. I know it's only a matter of time before I'd be spending dollars on every fucking game California has to offer. Because, say it with me now: Katie plays to lose, not to win!

I really wish we had a Dunkin Doughnuts around here. I went to Yum Yum (formerly Winchell's) the other night, and I was so annoyed at the crappy doughnuts and inferior customer service. Winchell's has always been the asshole of doughnut shops, and I think 99% of Mom 'n Pop shops are totally overrated, and are worshipped simply because they aren't chain shops (fucking hipsters).

[Spellcheck is insisting that I spelled "worshipped" wrong...and I know the rule about not doubling when it's a "p" [developed, galloping], but this an exception. It must be, worshiped doesn't look proper. Or am I wrong?]

Anyway, Crap Crap Doughnuts is open 24 hours and located close to home, which are the two biggest reasons I have for ever going anywhere. I went inside, and the little bell goes off. The guy in back looks over, but ignores me. Okay, the only other people in the building are two chicks studying at one of the tables. Not exactly Grand Central Station, ya know? So I'm milling around in front of the case, and I keep setting off the "customer is in the store, pay attention you asshole" bell. He neglected me! What! He looked over again! I am here to buy doughnuts, you have doughnuts to sell me! FUCKING MAKE IT HAPPEN. And by the way, dick, I hate my job too, and want to hang myself for having to work there, but I still am nice to my customers because it's not their fault my life turned out like this, and I AM getting paid regardless, so just be fucking nice and come over an stop being a total degenerate asshole stoner motherfucker and SELL ME A GODDAMN DOUGHNUT!!!!!!!!!!!! WITH SPRINKLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm not one of those dramatic customers who swear "I've been waiting 20 minutes!", when the store has barely been open for 10. No, I only waited about 4 minutes, but that's an eternity, innit? He was prolly hoping I would just go away, but come on dude. Sorry to interrupt your day, but I thought part of your job was to ring me up for a doughnut? With sprinkles? Oh, and you could say "hi." That's welcoming. I'm not an asshole customer, damn it! And I'm not a fucking moron, I didn't come in going "ummmmmmmmmmmm what's in that one? Ummmmmmm how many more do I need for a dozen lol? Ummmmmmmm I want this one right here, can't you see where I'm pointing?!" No, I said "four glazed crullers, three chocolate cream filled, and the rest sprinkles, I don't care which." Am I the ideal doughnut shopper or what! Bitch.

Oh, speaking of hate. I went to Torrance Bakery to order a cake for Holly's bridal shower. I took the invitation proof with me (this one: http://www.weddingpaperdivas.com/product/8287/signature_white_textured_bridal_shower_invitations_brides_sketchbook_.html), since I'm not great at colors or anything. I wanted to get my point across. The girl was taking my order, and I made it very clear: look, I don't care about the style of the cake, I just need these colors. The dark, dusty pink, and turquoise. If you want to do roses, fine, and the butterflies are all right too. The style isn't so important as the colors, it has to match! Okay, the girl was really nice, but even she admitted "I'm probably making this harder than it needs to be, sorry", as she wrote out a bunch of shit, and kept crossing things out, and referencing page numbers for other cakes for butterfly designs. Personally, I would've written simply: dark pink butterflies/hearts, turquoise roses. And left it at that, am I right? Whatever, I told her I trusted her and that she was the expert. She had the invite in her hand, she knew what I meant, and she knew it was a bridal shower. She repeated it back to me, and she said it all correctly.

When I went to pick the cake up a few days later, I was HORRIFIED. It was something I'd take to a 3-year old girl's party, not a fucking bridal shower! BRIGHT ASS PINK, and the only blue was a bright blue border along the bottom. No roses, little daisies instead. I knew it was mine because it had my inscription ("it's about time!") on it, but other than that, it was NOTHING like what it should have been. I was mortified, and fucking PISSED.

I can't even talk about it anymore, I'll get all worked up. Heh.

Hey, not bad, a meaty post. Maybe after work I'll talk about my plans for pizza domination! Go me!

BATTLE MODE!



Date:2011-11-08 13:42
Subject:
Security:Public

Fucking internet, I hate comments like "wow, large photo is large", "long comment is long" and whatever the hell else. Where did that even come from? Why do people comment on stupid fucking crap?!

BATTLE MODE!



Date:2011-09-18 14:16
Subject:
Security:Public

Noooooooooooooo Jamaal Charles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fingers crossed that Romo and White can somehow make up for him in my points...and oh my lord, I hope he's not out for the season.

And way to stomp guts, JETS!!! Total blowout against Jacksonville!!!

BATTLE MODE!



Date:2011-02-03 13:12
Subject:Super Bowl
Security:Public

I was reading an article in the paper about what to serve for the super bowl. Maybe I'm old fashioned, true, and not a fan of la-dee-dah food or anything fancy. But I'm not opposed to a few more...interesting side dishes, so long as they are presented in conjunction with classic favorites. The paper suggested things like goat cheese flatbread pizza, and I'm all WHAT? What kind of super bowl party is that? That's fine for some pretentious get togethers ("look at me, I'm SO Los Angeles, I'm such an adventurous eater"), but the Bowl is different. People want nachos, chips, hot dogs...simple crap! It can be healthy, you can have baked wings instead of fried! There are lots of less-fatass options! But come on. If I tried to bust out with some arugula salad with water chestnuts, I'd be laughed out of the house. It's another example of these fucking "foodies" trying to worm in and steal an excuse to throw a "clambake" with their uppity menu.

Then I saw today on Yahoo another article entitled "10 favorite foods of football fans." Right away you know the article is gonna be dumb, but I had to read it anyway. Sure enough, the top food is pastrami. WTF, pastrami? I love pastrami, but who would attend a super bowl party and ask "say, where's all the pastrami?" Numbers 2 and 3 are lasagna and garlic bread. Really? Right, because everyone wants veggie lasagna with their beer. 4 is chicken fingers, well that's okay if they don't like wings (?!). Burgers are fifth and pizza sixth, which are fine, but of course the article tells us to make a pizza margherita, with fresh mozzarella...sure, because nobody wants a sloppy, cheesy, pizza delivered to their front door. Football fans want classic, light pizzas that are sprinkled with basil. PFFFT. Guacamole came in next, finally, a winner. It's not exactly a "dish", but given the alternatives on their list, at least guacamole can be found on the super food bowl table. Then chili. All right. Ribs next (but not good ribs like mine, some weird glazed rib recipe), and it ends with fries. Fries suck, they can't sit out all day! I mean, is this a supper party or a SUPER BOWL PARTY?!

I usually don't read article's comments, because I get so annoyed and can't post a response. One chick was going on about how violent football is, and the evils of alcohol, and to "not get her started on women who watch football and use alcohol." Then some pansy guy is calling Americans morons, saying we should "watch what's going on in Egypt and learn something" instead of the super bowl. WHY CAN'T I DO BOTH?! I know about the state of Egypt, I do my book-learnin'! And what, I can't watch the fucking super bowl too? It's a sad world to live in, when a girl can't have it all. Oh look, now some other girl is in the mix, saying it's so shocking how millions of people watch sports when that money should go to our schools. You know what shocks me? When people can't ever enjoy themselves! I want to be entertained, people! Dance for me, bitches! When did people in America get so fucking uptight?! I'm appalled how people can live their lives and judge everyone else for just having a harmless good time. Fuck you. Oh, nice, now people are jumping in and saying we can watch the news AND the bowl, and they aren't mutually exclusive. And women are defending their beer and football hobby. See, barbaric football fans can be courteous, even in the face of adversaries. I'm loving how everyone is saying "they forgot pizza!!!", because that margherita pizza on the list is so far from what they have in mind for their favorite pie. Hahahaha.

What's with all the weirdos saying people are going to be rushed to the hospital from all the fatass American food? It's ONE DAY. ONE GAME. It's not a recipe booklet for every day of the week. It's party food, not "the daily fat." Lighten up, assholes! If I have a stroke from my fucking ribs, then I'll stand corrected. But I WON'T. I'll have my fatass foods, and then on Monday, I'll go back to eating my regular fare of chicken and vegetables and normal food. So what? So to all you people who rhetorically have commented wondering "how many people are going to the ER on Sunday?", my guess is not as many as a day like the fourth of July, when the food is just as fat, and idiots are lighting fireworks off in their bare hands.

I have to write about yahoo articles and post comments more often!!! I am cracking up at all of the indignant comments written by people who share my feelings on that suggested menu:

what will you be watching the game on? a 13" black and white tv? of the 100's of tailgate, football parties i have seen on tv or attended, pastrami sandwich is #1? come on! is this for a party of 3? where is the fried chicken? the chicken wings? salsa? nacho's? peanuts? chips? pretzels? hot dogs? brats? cheese? (are you too ignorant to know that the packers are playing?) your first 5 are really wrong - hamburgers are for warmer weather sporting events - not superbowl. then where does and when did the italian food (not including pizza) get included or introduced to super bowl fare? and then margherita pizza? are there any americans coming to your waste of time gathering? and french fries????? where's the desert???? [Yes, where's the dessert?!]

Your suggestions of items is good for people who want to keep the costs low but a super bowl deserves super food offerings........like BBQ pulled pork sandwiches and about 10 other appetizers and deserts to go with it. Not French fries........[I love the "about ten other appetizers" line. Hahaha! That's called having your priorities bang in order!]

hello where are the wings? have you ever been to any football sunday? [Yeah!]

Hand torn basil leaves? What the... there shall be no green things on my super bowl pizza! [See?!]

Who ever wrote this article knows nothing about what people eat while watching football. Chicken fingers? Who the hell eats chicken fingers? It's called wings, and lots of them. Pizza should be #1 [Lots of them! Buckets of them! Wings all around!]

I love how everything is diet food now a days. Trust me neither me nor my buddies want to eat a basil pizza or a vegetarian lasagna. Give me the Pepperoni, Sausage and Mushroom pizza or the Supreme Extra Large Pizza. A Lasagna with meat or a burger with Curly fries and a beer. NOBODY at a super bowl party is watching their weight people. That like cooking thanksgiving dinner and only offering dry oatmeal and a fruit salad.[It is exactly like that, bro.]

Okay, what upper class snob said this is the choice of football fans. Where are the brats, summer sausage, beer cheese soup, beer brats, real americanized pizza, philly cheesesteak sandwiches, cheese, taco dip, footlong subs, chicken wings, whole chicken even. Come on this was a really crappy article on what is considered the 10 best foods to serve at a superbowl party.Like a previous comment earlier are you really that ignorant of who is playing in the superbowl.(Packers and Steelers hard working people who need real food for real people.this article should be reported [Hahahaha, the article should be reported!!!]

what the hell is this article about ?? this is green bay and pittsburgh playing, not boca raton and los angeles. real football fans want deep fried, cheesy, lets get sloppy food. [See, look what's happening; Los Angeles is a laughingstock now, thanks to all of those foodie pricks infiltrating our eateries!]

If someone brought vegetable lasagne, they're getting their ass kicked [Word.]

meatball subs,bologna and cheese,chips and salsa,shrimp,BEER these are football foods not friggin lasagna wtf learn how to throw a superbowl party people [Beer in caps, people, take notes!]

hot wings w/chunky blue cheese, nachos, cheesy buffalo wing dip, taco dip, sausage, peppers-n-onions crock pot, mini sub rolls, ribs slathered in dinosaur bar-b-que sauce, pizza (meatlover's w/extra cheese), and capped off with a delectable delmonico hot off the grill to celebrate Packers win,....don't ya love these ppl that post on here having the audacity to cut on one's eating habits or entertainment choices, don't they have better things to do like beat their wife or something, a.. holes,... enjoy the game my friends d:) [So, are you like, available??]

It's not like people do this kind of eating all the time. For God's sakes "It's the Superbowl" treat it as such! [That's what I'm saying!]

Lasagna??? are you kidding me!!! who the hell eats lasagna at a football game. Or even decides to have it while at home watching football. I can see it now, hey Bill wanna come over for a super bowl party? yeah sure that sounds great Mike. Should I bring the lasagna? that's when mike and the guys stop hanging with Bill. [And that sums it up better than I ever could]



The public has spoken!

BATTLE MODE!



Date:2010-05-14 23:27
Subject:hawt dawgs
Security:Public

When I get chili dogs, I pull out the wiener and eat the bun by itself. The dawg is better that way.

I'm choking up jalapeno rings. I might not survive.

1 RED SHELL | BATTLE MODE!



Date:2008-11-02 22:17
Subject:Sweet Valley High #28
Security:Public

I gt to see Holly last night! I kept bringing it up at work, and it was sort of a big deal because I haven't got to go out in forever, so I was telling Brian and Danny "I get to go out! I'm going out!" I wasn't much fun since I had to leave early, but I loved it anyway! Holly said something so funny, and I said "please don't let me forget you said that!", but now I can't remember it!!! Damn it!!! We got pissed when we saw people in costumes; if I had known that people celebrated after the holiday, I would've...well, done something! At least worn my mustache! Hopefully that wasn't their big Halloween event, because if it was, wow, that really went to shit. That or, not to be all into myself, but I did bring a crowd...I brought about a dozen people last year! Can I help being so fucking rad? No.

Oh, speaking of being rad, did I mention I fell on my face and embarrassed myself at work? Hahaha! This happened maybe about a week ago? The [adorable] security guard and my boss' boss were out chatting in front of the store after we had closed. So I said goodnight, then I walked off to my car, which was in a straight line from where they were standing, but at the edge of the lot so I had to walk a bit. Well, somehow I managed to totally eat shit on the pavement just as I made it to my trunk. We're talking my shit went flying and I hit the ground! HAHAHAHA!!! I tried to play it off just in the slight chance that they missed it; I got up super fast and acted like I had just dropped my stuff, but they probably saw. Oh man, what a dummy. I biffed it so hard, I was sore for days. Normally I'm not a klutz. Why don't I ever fall when I drink? [When I fell on my birthday it doesn't count because I fell out of a car, not tripped over my own two feet...!]

School is going okay. I'm getting high scores in both classes. It's half over, so we shall see if I can maintain it. I like being back in school; it gives me a false feeling of being productive, and it's a ready-made excuse for ducking out of any unexpected unpleasantries (i.e. social events). 'Sorry, I have to study. Wish I could, but I have a test. Oh shoot, maybe next time.' HA!

I am dying to get back into Warcraft. Easter started to download the patch but it got interrupted somehow, so I think I'll do it tonight before bed. Tomorrow I have to get my DMV shit handled. Honestly, it's only $14 and a quick phone call, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it, even after the half dozen parking tickets. See, making me pay money I don't have STILL doesn't teach me a lesson, because my laziness always wins out overall!

My voter info says that my new polling place is in the local park. The PARK? I probably won't even vote this year, but we'll see. I'm really into Prop 2, and even though the Presidential election is an indirect vote (and I don't care), I think the Propositions are direct, so I wouldn't mind voting for that one. No on everything else I think. Ehhh. We'll see.

Oh, that coworker who likes me has now been officially promoted to Creepy Status, code red.

7 RED SHELL | BATTLE MODE!



Date:2008-10-30 22:56
Subject:Treehouse of Horror 13
Security:Public

I haven't seen the latest Treehouse of Horror, but I think I remember seeing a DVD of Treehouse-only episodes. I better confirm that on Amazon...oh, nevermind, it's only an hour's worth. And what the Hell, they are referencing the Shining episode, but Homer wasn't the one who told Bart "you want to get sued?" when he said "shining" instead of "shinning." That was Willie. Damn you, Amazon! Get yer quotes straight!

Gah, I'm so disappointed in this year's Halloween! I know I shouldn't care that I work so late; I should say "work can't get me down, I have Punky Power!" and I should go out and have fun anyway (because I always have fun). And yet...ehhhh...I don't have a costume. I didn't decorate at work or home. No carved pumpkins. It's just another day. That sucks. I'll just score some cheap candy this weekend, put it in a pillowcase, and watch horror movies on Sunday. Occasionally I'll stick my head in the pillowcase and rustle around and make candy sounds. That will help.

Work went well today. I hauled balls and got a lot done. Tomorrow Brian won't really have to do anything in the morning, so that's good. Yvonne and I had some laughs, as usual. She is so funny I can't stand it. She's the nicest person on Earth, so everything she says is nice and innocent, which is why it makes me crack up so hard. She'll offer a customer sample after sample, and if they keep eating, she'll keep giving, and I don't know why, but I start laughing as soon as Yvonne gives the second sample. I guess I'm just imaging how it will go..."do you like turkey? Oh! We have some great honey turkey...hey, do you like caramels? I just got some in! Oh, you have to try this fig jam, it is to die for...ooooh, let me just grab you some seeded crackers; you like seeds, right?" I love her! I can't wait to go out with everyone! It's harder to get together with my new coworkers than it was with my old ones, but I know it'll be just as good.

I'm not voting, and I don't care. I'm not going to go on about it, but I'm really sick of hearing about Prop 8. If I vote, there is exactly ONE item on the ticket that I would be voting for, and that is Prop 2 (the farm animals). Everything else...fuuuuuck ittttttttt.

Oh, I spent my break outside for a change, and I was watching these guys try to raise money for their cause...some sort of new economy thing. I guess they said they're fighting for a new economy, and that the British suck? I dunno, that's all I could gather from my safe distance; I didn't care enough to actually converse with them. I think one of the guys has the wrong idea though...when people took info and made it very clear that it was to humor them, the guy would go "we're fundraising, can you help us out?" Why would you ask people for money when they just took a pamphlet to shut you up? Oh, and he was retarded about it too, because when one woman was actually going to give him money [she was going through her wallet!], he said "we like to ask for $25, or $50!" When she sort of did a double take at those numbers, he said "well, we can make change if you want to give $10!" Needless to say, she didn't give him anything after that [MODED!]. I'm thinking...dude, what happened to a big jar and a "anything you can spare helps" attitude? Fundraising for a new economy...right.

If I have extra money for a cause, it goes to helping German Shepherds and kittens. And tequila for me (because we all need a little rescuing!). I would never in a million years give money to people who don't like the economy. Get in line, assholes. Oh, and ram it.

Normally I hate daylight savings, but I have to work at 6 am on Sunday, so suddenly it seems really cool! Haha.

BATTLE MODE!



Date:2008-10-10 00:39
Subject:"I was so tired I don't know what you won, but I clapped for you!"
Security:Public

Yesterday was horrible! So you know how I missed that mandatory 5 am store meeting? Well apparently I won some sort of "rising star" award, and they called my name and I wasn't there (obviously)! I told Brian that it was much better this way, because I *hate* going up and getting prizes. I'm not shy, but I definitely hate being singled out for things, good or bad. Weird I guess, huh?

As Danny and Brian are ragging on me for being a lazy ass, my first customer walks up. Some lady. She orders no-salt turkey "super thin", and this happens!:

KT: Okay, just to let you know, this turkey tends to fall apart
Bitch: Well don't cut it thin enough to where it falls apart
KT: I can get it thin, but regardless it's going to fall apart because...
Bitch: FINE, YOU KNOW WHAT? I WON'T GET IT FROM YOU!!!! I'LL GET IT SOMEWHERE ELSE! YOU SAY THIS EVERY TIME!
KT: !!! I was just letting you know...
Bitch: YOU SAY THIS EVERY TIME! I JUST WON'T GET IT FROM HERE! YOU ALWAYS DO THIS! DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!

Really, she was yelling. I was so shocked! I didn't even get pissed until later when I remembered she said "don't argue with me." I hate that line, because first of all, you aren't my Mom, so you can't say that, or "because I said so." No, sorry, only my Mom can use that. Second, do I let you fuck me in my ass? Do I suck your dick like a Chupa Chup? No? Well, then that means YOU ARE NOT MY BOYFRIEND, so I'm NOT arguing with you! You want to see arguing? Let's take this outside! Bitchface. I hate people who act like I'm their bitch and I'm not allowed to speak in my own defense, and that since they're a customer I have to be a slave.

Wow, I haven't had a customer flip on me since....what, last November? Whenever I left Guiliano's. It was a familiar feeling, that's for sure! People can be so rude. I am curious as to what they do for a living. Really, you want to YELL about TURKEY? Is it that important? Geez lady, I hope I run into you at the bar. Off the clock, I'm on my own time, and I will fuuuuuuuck you up. It would be one those those dream moments, but this time my swings will actually connect and it won't be like I'm hitting someone underwater. I'll see her, and she won't be able to place where she knows me from. Then I go up to her, pwn her with 5 across the eyes, and congratulate myself on being the bigger person and not stealing her purse.

I guess I'll go to bed.

2 RED SHELL | BATTLE MODE!



Date:2008-09-03 10:37
Subject:Maury
Security:Public

Because I never get tired of Maury, here is a song that instantly became my New Favorite Song Ever.



Well, my favorite time of year has come around again. I'm [very] slightly disappointed that I'm not in that cute Oregon apartment anymore, because we had a little balcony which would've been so great for Halloween decorations. It's okay though, because now I have the beach, so it's a nice trade off!

The fair will be here at the end of the week. I want to wait and go closer to the end of the month, when it cools down a bit, but I might reconsider that if there is something really good going on, like chicken judging. I love the fair. The smell of funnel cakes and livestock. Snow cones. Petting zoos.

BATTLE MODE!



Date:2008-08-26 11:24
Subject:Call a Toe Truck!!!
Security:Public

Holy crap, look out. Yesterday was one of the the most productive days off I've had in quite some time (with the exception of the times I've used my 2 days off to make a quick trip to Vegas or Frisco). Hmmm...wait...I started to list out everything I accomplished, but I quickly realized that I didn't really do as much as I thought. Ha! So typical.

My toe itches like crazy. That's much better than having it hurt like crazy though! It's actually healing. Dave saw it today and complained that his isn't getting better, so I shared my newfound knowledge of How to Fix an Ingrown With Scissors and a Dream. Holly had me so flipped out over it, that I decided to fix it right then and there, so I...well, wait, nobody wants to know. Ah, fuck it, maybe someone else has an ingrown. I can help, folks!

So you have to scrape all the skin off. Don't be scared to dig in there with those scissors, people! And don't be fooled with that bullshit of cutting your nail at an angle...not necessary!!! Just pull the skin back every night, make sure to drain all the pus and blood, and you're good. Put a fat glob of antibiotic cream on it in the morning and slap a band-aid on it. You're good for work, I promise. Be sure it gets clean in your shower, and within a few days, it'll show improvement. Also, none of that shit is sterile, but don't worry about it; people are overly cautious about germs these days. Nothing really needs to be sterilized. Trust me, friends.

I'm never wearing those slip guards again.

1 RED SHELL | BATTLE MODE!



Date:2008-08-20 13:06
Subject:Damn you, marketing!
Security:Public

Camel has some badass marketing gimmicks. They're always sending me cute envelopes stuffed with coupons (they're cute because they're black, pink and flocked [LOVE FLOCKED STUFF]). They've sent me a pretty lighter before too. They seem to know when I don't smoke often, because that's when the offers pile in. I'm sorry to say I've been smoking a lot more than usual lately. If I'm not careful, it'll become a habit.

Well, after working 7 days in a row, I'm enjoying my day off! Today I have to take my Oregon stuff to my garage, wash my car, get auto insurance (ooops), and hopefully go to the beach (but we'll see about that). I might just get some tequila and make a day of it. Mom is leaving for San Francisco tomorrow, so it'll just be Easter and I until next Tuesday.

I just fucking noticed that Blizzard charged me...AGAIN! After I explicitly canceled the recurring charges so I could have control over it! Now that I'm working it's not an extravagant expense, but why did they just start up again? I get paid this week, so it's really not a matter of finances anymore, but if I *didn't* get paid, then I'd need that money for my SECOND PARKING TICKET OF THE MONTH. I bought 6 months back in March, which is up at the end of August. I canceled the recurring payment, so what the deuce? I better call James, maybe it's his account.

1 RED SHELL | BATTLE MODE!



Date:2008-08-08 15:23
Subject:Pavement Face
Security:Public

Okay, so I was getting a tour, and Jenn was telling me about different procedures if you have an accident, and she mentioned slips and falls, but said not one person has fallen since they all have those special slip-resistant shoes, and I made a joke about people who fall, and not more than 30 second later I totally fell headfirst on the pavement, and it was LOUD. Like, you could hear my skin slap the ground. She said "OH MY GOD!" and I wanted to totally die, but even as I'm typing this I can't stop laughing, because it's SO TRUE. Only me, people, only me. And I *never* fall, even when I'm drunk I only take a tumble maybe once a year. So I thought that was ironic and reminded me to keep myself humble wherever I go. Because the second I get cocky, the Smackdown Gods step in and regulate my ass.

2 RED SHELL | BATTLE MODE!



Date:2008-08-05 04:20
Subject:Isn't that a personal question, sir?
Security:Public

So I thought it was the mailman, you know. Only our mailman or UPS guy yell "hello!" when the front door is open. For once I didn't run and hide to avoid answering the door, I actually got up and answered it, expecting a package for my brother to be placed in my waiting hands.

It was not the mailman! It was some dude asking if I was the homeowner. I said no, and quickly lied saying the homeowner was at work so I wouldn't have to answer any stupid questions about home repair. He still asked "do you know what the homeowner has in mind for the next project on the house?" I said "no, it's NOT MY HOUSE." Then he mentioned how they paint (as he's looking critically at my shutters), and that they're painting my neighbor's house and how he can give me a special or whatever. I said "um, just leave your number and I'll pass it along, thanks."

So as he's writing down information, he asks

Dude: So, how was your weekend?
Me: Fine thanks, how was yours? (Why did I ask? Common courtesy, damn it all to hell!)
Dude: Oh good, good. I went to my nephew's birthday party!
Me: (thinking: WTF?) Oh, that's nice.
Dude: Yeah, it was great, my nephew, he's getting old...
Me: Um, how old is he?
Dude: 8! Just turned 8.
Me: Oh, he's young. Cute. Okay, well, thanks for this number...!
Dude: Do you have any kids?
Me: What? Oh---no.
Dude: WHY NOT!?
Me: (thinking: ?!) Um, I just don't have kids?
Dude: But you're going to have them someday, right?
Me: Um...someday I guess...?
Dude: Okay good. You married?
Me: No...
Dude: You with somebody?
Me: Yes...well, thanks again for this number!

It was one of the most bizarre 30 second conversations I've ever had while sober. My sister said "you should've started crying and said you are infertile!" She had a million ideas of what I could have said for a laugh, but I can never come up with snappy retaliatory remarks that quickly, and I never want to be rude. I should practice being more rude to strangers who knock on my door and ask me why I don't have kids. I wasn't offended or anything, but I do wonder what possesses people to ask stupid things of complete strangers. Was it an offer? Like, if I said I wanted kids and was single, would he make a donation of sperm? I don't accept sperm from guys with stupid mustaches and oversized sunglasses! HAHAHA, that nondescript description makes him sound like a total lurking pervert. He wasn't; he was some late 20's Mexican kid, so that mustache wasn't creepy on him like it would be on a white guy. Heh.

===

Oh, and this just in from the "weird stuff" department: some odd white car was following me on my way home tonight, without its lights, even down the offbeat alley streets I took in an attempt to see whether he was following me, or whether my imagination was working overtime. I thought it was strange, so I drove along and made this BAD ASS turn so sharp you could slice concrete like hot butter with it. The car was forced into going straight, and I felt like the lovechild of James Bond and Indiana Jones (it's my fantasy, so I can be the product of 2 men if I want), it was so cool. Well, it was spooky at first, but then it got cool when I realized I "gave him the slip." Of course, it could have just been a simple coincidence; I'm not going to run around telling people I was involved in some car chase or anything. It just amused me, even though it probably wasn't an attempt to kidnap me or something. =)

===

I've been having lots of sex dreams lately. And they're lucid, so it's extra special awesome. I get to have massive dream-gasms (orgasms that visit you while sleeping!), and I don't have to wash up afterward! SCORE.

1 RED SHELL | BATTLE MODE!



Date:2008-07-30 16:31
Subject:Today Rules!
Security:Public

Holy crap, today is awesome!

I got the job (contingent upon approved background check0. She said she thinks I'll fit in perfectly! They all picked ME, and not that guy in the suit! They didn't want him or his dorky folder! They picked me, in my boots!!! No folder!!! For once, the strange kid in the back of the room WINS!!! Finally! It took 15 years, but I won! I beat the teacher's pet! And I beat him when it counted! HOLY CRAP.

If I don't pass that background check, I will die a thousand deaths.

BATTLE MODE!



Date:2008-07-24 09:14
Subject:By Any Other Name
Security:Public

Haw! A judge made a kid a ward of the court so he could have her name changed from "Talula Does The Hula" to something decent. What the fuck, parents? In his ruling, Murfitt cited a list of the unfortunate names. Registration officials blocked some names, including Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit, he said. But others were allowed, including Number 16 Bus Shelter "and tragically, Violence," he said.

Those names make those stupid celebrity kids' names seem okay. At least one of my kids' names will start with an X. I think X is the coolest letter. Maybe I'll just name them all "X." I'll refer to them as X1, X2, X3...or X squared, X cubed...hahaha...

[I know that X2 is not the same as X to the power of 2, I was merely entertaining myself.]

This is not my week. Here's why:
1. A miniature volcano-like wound growing on my leg. My guess? An infected bug bite
2. A parking ticket for $50 for parking too far from my curb
3. JURY DUTY summons
4. No job this week
5. Damaged contacts (contacts as in eyewear, not acquaintances)

BATTLE MODE!



Date:2008-07-24 09:00
Subject:Got The Life
Security:Public

See, now I've got Korn [KoRn] songs running through my head. I started thinking about it, and I remembered...hey, wait, I had a Korn shirt back in high school. Back then I sort of liked them, but I also talked shit on them because I thought they were "lesser" rock, like Incubus and Tool. Good, but not Motley Crue or punk or anything really awesome. Of course, nowadays with CRAP SHIT BALLS like Linkin Park, it makes me appreciate those fringe bands so much more. Wow, Incubus was the worst of them? Pffft, okay. I'll take them any day. And I miss the Smashing Pumpkins too. I never thought of those guys as weak rock, because to me they weren't trying to be badass. That's why I had no problem with bands like REM, Blind Melon, Counting Crows, whatever. Oh, and fuck you, Fred Durst, while I'm at it. I hate that Biscuit band.

I had a great time with Holly last night! She got me this awesome slut drink, which I had totally forgotten about until Shawn showed up. YUM. Normally I hate cranberry, but not when it's in that drink! It was finally an uneventful night at the bar for us; we're an event unto ourselves! We also came to the conclusion that we'd like to have Colin's babies. Damn him for being all married!

Ouch, my skin split on the underside of my smallest toe late last night. Something online said it could be Athlete's Foot, but there's no gross stuff on it or anything, and it doesn't itch. It has happened before and usually it's gone in a couple days. Hurts like crazy though.

I'm hungry! I wish I had thought ahead and froze some orange juice for breakfast. That's my favorite breakfast of all time, and it's one thing I miss about working at the deli. Every night I'd freeze a box of juice so when I got in the next day I could stab at it with my spoon. It would last all morning!

I really need to make a couple phone calls today, but I'm dragging my heels because I *hate* making phone calls more than I hate anything else. Once I'm actually talking it gets a little better, but when the phone is ringing, I get this unexplainable anxiety. It's odd, because I never had issues about making phone calls from work; I was always on the phone. I never had this issue up until somewhat recently. I think because I avoid the phone so much now, it has gotten built up in my head to where I'm psyching myself out of simple fucking phone calls. I don't know why. It should be the easiest form of communication, right? You can always hang up! What's wrong with me? See what I'm becoming?

Holly reminded me of that ridiculous vagina community, so I went to read it, but within seconds I rerouted to the polyamory community, and I have to say, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I really should stop reading, because it just creeps me out. I think I'm pretty liberal about sex and all, but this is one thing I don't get. The only way I'd ever be able to get down with even a simple threesome (haha, simple) is if the guy involved is NOT my boyfriend. I'm too jealous, but I'm not insecure. I'm already seeing posts/comments about how if you're jealous then it means you're insecure and all that. Well, no, I'd say if you see your significant other scamming somebody else, then you'd be fucking retarded to not go "hey, wait, WTF." I've always said that maybe I'm not the type to settle down with any one person, but I sure as shit know I'm not the type to settle down with several people. Who knows, for me personally, I tend to judge things really harshly, and more often than not I end up doing them, so maybe I should just keep my mouth shut (that'd be a first). I guess what really trips my balls are the married people who swing with other people/couples. I don't understand how that can work? Especially since a lot of it isn't a random bar encounter, it's actual relationships on the side. Do you just not get so attached to one person? I dunno, I don't get that part. Or maybe it makes the marriage work because suddenly there are no issues about sex, ever. Like, if you aren't happy, you can fuck around and it's okay. Plus you get to do what you want and never have to answer to anyone, so maybe those marriages work out better since you essentially take out the jealousy/sex/paranoia that can kill a marriage. Oh, my husband is too busy for me, no problem, I'll go fuck Other Guy. Oh, my wife doesn't listen to my problems, it's okay, Other Girl does. Something like that, perhaps?

BATTLE MODE!


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